[12 August 2018]
I am giggling.
Speaking of gulliesh puppy eyes.
You should have seen the smile on his face, when I was floating right before him, in that truck.
I had managed to make the jump through an out-of-body experience.
It had happened spontaneously during meditation, while sitting with my eyes closed at my desk and thinking of naughty things.

All of the sudden I had ended up in the vehicle, which had probably been filled with soldiers but I hadn’t seen the rest of them, because my focus had been right away on Mr. Blue Eyes right there.
His face had transformed from a focused calmness into a bright, shining grin from ear to ear when my ethereal presence came into his awareness, and I had amusingly observed how it had left him in a state of total astonishment and bewilderment, clearly thinking something like:
‘What the Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck?!!’.

I think the most beautiful thing I had seen in that were the recognition of my presence and our mutual love he was feeling, and the emotion had simply been radiating from and dripping off his smiling face.

Bright sunlight had broken through the window behind him; and had I seen mountains or hills?
I figured the truck must had been driving through the desert, while he and his colleagues were preparing for their mission.

From my memoirs ‘TOBACCO – Curse & Blessing of a Shamaness
By Kiki Toao


I have been having a strong notion of already getting to know this man, his daily attitude and behaviour, temperament, sense of humor, uplifting presence, knowledge and caretaking mentality, plus the sacrifices he is, in his turn, already making:
Painting the kitchen cabinets.

His insecure indecisiveness about whether to choose gold to cover the typical American pinewood doors with.
This man knows an artist who is very, VERY particular about home decoration will be living with him very soon.
Admittedly very cute, but terribly annoying.

I was laying with my head flat faced in a pillow while Rombout was sitting on top of me, and I thought:
‘Yeh. You know what?!
SURE baby, paint the fuckers gold.
For God’s sake. JEEZ!’

What to do with the decorative elements.
‘What? Do it yourself!’
Nooooooo, he wanted me to do it.
He insisted.

I received a mental projection of Japanese style painted branches and leafs, with colored accents in black, red and white.
I agreed it would for sure look amazing on the golden doors, and yes, I admitted I am the one who knows what she’s doing.
But you know, I was kind of in the middle of something; Rombout was now twisting my right arm in a somewhat uncomfortable position, and my shoulder cracked.
The negotiation was going so fast, I at first hardly recognised it for what it was and especially, whom with.
I was being overwhelmed with this image of very ugly kitchen cabinet doors, however, and I recognised them from the pictures I had seen on his Instagram account.
And I thought:
Usually he’d inquire first what I’m doing, who I’m with, etcetera, or he’d just drop in unannounced, out of body, la-dee-dah-dee, just like that as if it’s the natural order of things, and then just start meddling with everything as if he fucking owns the place.
But now I was just seeing those damn hideous pinewood doors with my third eye, and the issue seemed kind of very urgent:
A man in distress about what colors to pick!
Oh dear!
It all went so fast I failed to be assertive and tell him:
‘Baby, you are disturbing just a tiny little bit because I am receiving a Shiatsu massage right here, about, – how far would it be? -, 10.000 kilometers away from you?
Could it just please wait until a somewhat more convenient moment?’.
But you know, he’d probably have said:
Because that’s what he’s like, so that wouldn’t have made any difference at all.

I gave in and said:
‘Sure. FINE! I’ll do it!’.

For crying out loud. Really.
I started laughing.
Rombout inquired what was so funny, now folding and stretching my legs, and I said I would tell him later.
I was in such a relaxed state, I figured the dialogue was not just something coming from my wishful imagination.
And I am used to these mental projections coming in so strong from or enhanced by Spirit communication, so I thought it must had been real.

Reinvigorated by Rombout’s massage I was afterwards lying on the couch, letting what I had experienced sink in.
I giggled joyfully amused and felt humorously irritated, and I considered taking repercussions.
A shaman woman’s gotta do what a shaman woman’s gotta do!

I told Rombout about my experience, and his first response to that was concern, to which he added this wasn’t good for me at all.
But when I told him about my naughty little plan he immediately started laughing out loud and said:
‘Good idea. Go on then.’

For quite a long time I had been simply frightened of even thinking about visiting his Instagram profile again, but now I felt more than a hundred percent confident, and challenged to the max.
I thought about it for an extra thirty seconds, then took a deep breath, and went for it.
I had to unblock him first, then I sent the following message:

‘Could you please do me a favor and make up your own goddamn mind about the color of your kitchen cabinets?
I was just receiving a good relaxing massage’.

After, I blocked him again, and tested with Rombout’s phone if people still receive your messages if you block them.
They do.

And so, there you go, I just broke the mold by solving an average daily domestic issue, partially telepathically through the spiritual ether, partially through our so beloved convenience of social media texting.
A harmless leap of faith this time. Phew.

Main reason for blocking him is that, even if he would respond to my text, I don’t want to be communicating online with him anymore;
I am so done with it.
I want him on my doorstep, for real, and nothing else.
My self respect and borders as a woman are overruling my longing for acknowledgement of and proof for my ideas about what’s going on, for that matter.

And just now, the morning after, I was contemplating my optimism, faith and loyalty, and I have to admit I am awfully amazed with myself, with how I am expressing such strong motivations by my seemingly premature, however clearcut, decision making and open communication.
Because here’s a woman who has made up her mind, – a year ago already! -, and nothing, absolutely nothing, has changed in that.

For my willingness to live by the principles of unconditional love and trust in Spirit guidance, for believing in love at first sight and taking responsibility and action out of sheer enthusiasm, I have asked myself so many times during these past twelve months:

‘Am I weird for being this way?’.
To which I received a straight up, blunt answer this morning:

‘What makes YOU so goddamn unique?’.

And I imagine this kind of rejoinder to be coming straight from him.
Typical Leo.

And while I was just smoking my tobacco roll up I thought:
‘He is so right’.
And I am positive we would both agree on the idea that this is exactly what we would both describe as ‘God in ourselves’, that’s giving us the power, courage and strength to go about our lives in such a manner.

From my memoirs ‘Tobacco – Curse & Blessing of a Shamaness
By Kiki Toao

The Bowl

God. I love this woman.
Always thinking what I’m thinking

There’s only ONE fucking reason why I’m not smashing this bowl of yoghurt to pieces against the wall right now and that’s Rombout has to deal with the mess I am going to make of this house if I’m not keeping my temper under control right this fucking minute!

I’m ready to tear the whole fucking place rightd wdijop’vhiou;grw!!!!

Go on.

Oh yeah you’d love me doing it, wouldn’t you

I said go on..

Go kiss my lovely Batak Bottocks, mister.
You’re just like me for fuck’s sake!
I’ve known that from the very fucking start!

From my memoirs ‘Tobacco – Curse & Blessing of a Shamaness
By Kiki Toao


Real leather sleeveless jacket, artwork inspired by the soldiers I am and have been in touch with.

Given the new direction I have taken with my art, I figured some real deal army fetish clothing should not be missed in my collection.

Not sure if I’m fully satisfied with the artwork yet – the question always remains: when is it finished?

And I always need to tell myself also to know when to stop…

The Everlasting Quest!

To be worn by a man, or nicely somewhat 80s style oversized by a woman.

Will at some point be for sale on this website (working on a shop, yay).

Be Your Self

Contemplating how much of my Self I’ve been hiding, and how much harm it has done.
And all I can say from personal experience is:
You may as well be yourself, because people will have an opinion about you anyway.

Kisses, Kiki Toao


People often times regard me as a fearless person.

And though I appreciate the fact it is their way of showing their respect for how I go about life, I can say with absolute certainty this an overestimation of my personality.

I know Fear.

I’ve experienced it many times and in fact, I choose to embrace it instead of blocking it out.

When Fear speaks, I listen.

I invite it in so we can have a decent chat about what’s going on, and this way it has proven itself to be a powerful ally.

By Kiki Toao