What I experience to be lying in front of me, as a future calling, is something I don’t even believe myself.
This calling, it has grabbed a hold of me, captivated me in suspension and anticipation of what is about to happen in, hopefully, the near future.

I am tired, very tired.
Tired of waiting.
Tired of fake promises.
Tired of lies and deceit.
Or at least, this is what it has seemed to be so far: one big trap of betrayal and deceit.

I have been given a very big fucking reason to mistrust everything and everyone I have experienced and communicated with spiritually so far.
My mind is desperately struggling to separate the wheat from the chaff, to distinguish truth and reality from make belief and wishful thinking.

I have given up going against it.
“I surrender! I SURRENDER, ALRiGHT?!”, is one of my most important prayers at the moment.

I am doing the best I can to accept this possible future happenstance as a real possibility (and opportunity) and take every single bit of responsibility for it.

I am very fortunate and ultimately blessed with a few, but very trustworthy, loving friends and family members.
People who have faith and confidence in me, no matter what I decide to do.
People who have faith and confidence in my capabilities and distinctiveness.
People who admire me for my courage and my realization and acceptance of the necessity of taking risks, and taught me to do the very same: have faith and confidence in myself.

And boy…
Boy-oh-boy, I need lots of that.

It is my dutiful task as a shaman to take responsibility for what is being presented to me; something I know to be going beyond my willpower, beyond our oh-so-beloved Western concept of freedom of choice.

For years have I been working on these visions, visions being imposed on me during shamanic initiation years ago. Visions I thought at the time to be purely random, chaotic, sprouting from my imagination and, most of all, not making any sense.

Now, imagine yourself in a situation where you, as a skeptical, rational reasoning human being, are observing such visions to become reality one by one, almost as if you are watching some Powerpoint presentation during a meeting in the office, ticking off every bullet point from your checklist.
All of them, apart from two.

“Hmmm”, you’re wondering mindfully, “is this just me, or…?”

Hmmm, indeed.
What conclusions to draw from this presentation?
No one knows for sure.
Tick tock, says the clock.
And I’m just wondering, and wondering and contemplating and…

Pfff!
You know what?
Welcome to Shamanism.
Over & Out,

From: ‘Tobacco – Curse & Blessing of a Shamaness’
By Kiki Toao